At least make sure they are 18
Why
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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