All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
