I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Found the puke drawer
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
