Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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