You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
