Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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