i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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