her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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