you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
