The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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