I am in a vortex of obligation.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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