All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
