yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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