I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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