Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
