The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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