hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
