those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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