I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
