bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
