I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He passed out mid-signature
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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