Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
