I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
