Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
