so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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