GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
