Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
