I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
