Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
