I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
