Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
