Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
