Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
