Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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