He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
