good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
