im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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