Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
