drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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