why didn't you poke me back
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
