Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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