i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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