After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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