Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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