I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
