my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
