I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
