Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
