I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
