She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
